Second Day Ruminations

Intimacy with God

There is a longing deep within that cries out of my heart. It manifests in many different ways, but at its root it is my spirit crying out to God's Spirit, yearning for intimacy with my Creator, my Father, my Abba. Sometimes I am gripped by a deep depression, but not one borne by chemistry; rather it is borne by the estrangement from God that my busy life often fosters. Funny. I'm a pastor. My "job" is to connect people with God. And yet in my own life, the busyness of pastoring often saps my own connection with God, my intimacy with Abba (my preferred Name for God-the-Father; it is akin to Daddy, but doesn't carry any negative images for me).

Right now I am re-reading and working through a book entitled Living in God's Embrace by Michael Fonseca. It is a devotional book that takes one through sixty different spiritual exercises, designed to help one live in God's embrace. It is helping me to discipline myself to sit in quietness, to "be still and know" Abba. My sense is that by practicing this stillness, I may discover anew that which cries out in me, and in discovery find a new intimacy with Abba. So be it.

Work

We all hate our jobs at one point or another, perhaps all the time. But work is blessed by God and each of us is called to work at something. We don't always get employment that matches our calling, but, hey, we try.

This is great! From the book, The Rest of God (p. 15f), by Mark Buchanan:

When you have one of those take-this-job-and-shove-it-days, try this. On your way home, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer. Made by the Q-tip Company. Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock the doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into something comfortable, such as a sweat suit, and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove it, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will be become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer. As you read, notice in small print this statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."

Close your eyes. Say out loud five times, "Thank you, oh thank you, that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company." (Source unknown)

I die laughing every time I read that! The obvious lesson is, no matter how bad your job seems, there are always worse ones! But each "job" we do is a vocation (literally, the work that the Voice told you to do) if it is done for the glory of God and in response to His call. Martin Luther put it well:

The maid who sweeps her kitchen is doing the will of God just as much as the monk who prays—not because she may sing a Christian hymn as she sweeps but because God loves clean floors. The Christian shoemaker does his Christian duty not by putting little crosses on the shoes, but by making good shoes, because God is interested in good craftsmanship." (The Rest of God, p. 23)

And this (ibid. p. 24f):

Virtually any job, no matter how grueling or tedious—any job that is not criminal or sinful—can be a gift from God, through God, and to God. The work of our hands, by the alchemy of our devotion, becomes the worship of our hearts.

Time

My reading this morning was wonderful! I sat by the pond and read three chapters from The Rest of God and it was, well, wonderful! I even wrote a poem, at the suggestion of the author, to help me notice my surroundings. Right now here in the high desert, one species of tree is spreading its seed far and wide. These cotton-like puffs of seed are all over the place, and more is floating down all the time. So I wrote:

Seeds cloaked in cotton wings
glide gently groundward
seeking a womb of soil
to birth a mighty tree.
Life and Time proceed.

Then, talking about Sabbath Time, Buchanan writes (p. 33):

Transformation is the fruit of a changed outlook. First our minds are renewed, and then we are transformed, and then everything is different, even if it stays the same. God is more interested in changing your thinking than in changing your circumstances.

In this sacred space, I am (re)learning how to keep Sabbath. I had forgotten. I had let Chronos become my preferred time, rather than God's kairos. Instead of Sabbath, I had cultured Leisure. "Leisure is what Sabbath becomes when we no longer know how to sanctify time. Leisure is Sabbath bereft of the sacred." (Buchanan, of course, p. 35).

And, finally (for now), in speaking of wisdom and the changing of our thoughts (or thinking), Buchanan writes (p. 40) "Wise people ask, Does the path I'm walking lead to a place I want to go? If I keep heading this way, will I like where I arrive?" Proverbs 14:8 says, "The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception." Aristotle said (or was it Socrates? College was a LONG time ago!), "A life not examined is a life not worth living." The lesson (for me) is that I can go through life blithely worshipping Chronos, or I can see my life through the eyes of Sabbath and appreciate the kairos that God is giving me. "The Chinese join two characters to form a single pictograph for busyness: heart and killing." (Wayne Muller, Sabbath: Restoring the Sacred Rhythm of Rest, p. 3, quoted in Buchanan p. 45) (Gosh, I sound like a research paper! But only because this is going out on a public blog, so I want to give credit where credit is due.)

This is such a rich time! I am so grateful for the gift that this sabbatical is to me, it is only the second day and already I am feeling renewed and refreshed. I'm not ready to come back, yet, so don't go there. I'm just thankful and I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me!

Over, out.

Mercy and Grace

Ok, so day one is almost over. It is after dinner and before Compline (night prayers), I want to get plenty of sleep, so I'll probably just read after Compline and go to bed. I have shut off my phone and will not be checking messages except for once in the evenings (like in a few minutes), so if you HAVE to get a hold of me, leave a message and I'll call you back.

I'm re-reading the book The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan, which is the book I read last year which really led me to seek a sabbatical. It is a terrific book, and I'm looking forward to re-reading it. I hope to finish it while I am here at St. Andrew's. In the book, he talks about the cats his parents had when he was growing up in a cold part of the world (he is Canadian), and how they would seek out those splashes of sunlight that came in late afternoon through the big front window. They would stretch out, curl up or just lie down in the sunlight and take a cat nap: fifteen or twenty minutes that refreshed and rejuvenated (although with cats, who can tell?). Sometimes, as a boy, he would join the cats on the floor. He likens Sabbath to that: finding a space to just soak up the warmth of the Father's mercy and grace (which is the name of our cat, Maggie, which Terisa, a dear friend, suggested—Mercy And Grace, thus MAGgie. We also call her MagnifiCat, but that is another story).

This sabbatical is more than a cat nap, but then I've not been practicing Sabbath very well throughout my life. My hope is that one result of the sabbatical will be more success in keeping Sabbath. Anyway, it's a GREAT book!

May the Lord fill you with Mercy and Grace!

Sabbatical: Day One

The first day of my sabbatical leave is finally here! It is rather surreal. I have longed for this and planned for this for what seems like a very long time. What appeared at first to be a mountain of things that had to happen/get done, is now just a memory. Everything is finished, I hope; all "i's" dotted, all "t's" crossed. And those that aren't dotted or crossed will just have to survive three months without me! Que sera sera.

I didn't hurry this morning getting ready for my trip to Valyermo and the Benedictine monastery, so of course I did not get here when I had hoped to. Instead, since I knew I would be missing not only the noon Mass, but also the lunch, I stopped along the way at a Mexican restaurant I had noticed several times. It was good. But I'm glad to be here at St. Andrew's now. I plan to go easy on myself, especially in the early going and not push too hard. Consequently, I am feeling rather lethargic.

My goal during this four-day retreat is to quiet my soul and listen. This afternoon when I first got here I went and sat by the pond and read some Scripture and then just listened to the sounds. The wind was blowing through the trees, the birds were singing, there was an airplane that flew over… it was blissful! Then I went and took a nap. I want to enter into the rhythm of this monastery, attending to the daily offices (services), the meals and perhaps connect with a brother or priest about being my spiritual director. I used to have one here, but moved on from that practice some years ago. I'm thinking that it might be time to return. But I will listen and discern. I also want to walk, and read devotionally. I'll get into the study books later.

One of the things that extended my preparation time this morning was shaving off my hair. Now, I don't have much hair to begin with, but I decided that I wanted to shave it all off (mustache, goatee, and scalp—I left my eye brows!) as a symbol of my letting go and starting over. I don't know if I'll grow it back right away or if I will continue to keep it shaved, but I'm open to either. Cyndy isn't crazy about me doing it, and Nathan was freaked out when he saw me this morning. I don't think I'll post any pictures; at least not yet. In the process I irritated the skin on my head, so right now I have a damp wash cloth on my head to sooth the irritation!

My intention is to blog daily, but I'm not going to be a blogger-nazi, so if I miss a day here or there, no worries! There may be days when I post more than once, it all depends on what God is doing in me and if I am paying attention. This blog is not for the sake of teaching others—that is one of the things from which I need to rest! Rather, it is a form of self-discipline so that I will take the time to reflect on what God is doing in me. I'll post a note on Twitter (and thus Facebook and LinkedIn) when I post a new blog (and people can also subscribe to the blog to get alerts when new ones are posted). I invite comments, but be nice!

T-minus 2 Weeks!

Just two weeks to go! On June 1^st I start my three-month sabbatical (renewal) leave. I am working on tying up all the loose ends around the church so that everything necessary can be done while I'm gone. It is exciting!

My plan is to begin the sabbatical by spending four days at St. Andrew's Abbey in Valyermo, engaging in the rhythm of the community and practicing silence and solitude. I plan to do some reading and a lot of praying, attending to the daily offices (times of community worship), but not much else. Perhaps I will speak with one of the monks to be my spiritual director at least through the sabbatical. Walking the grounds, sitting, thinking, listening, drinking in the beauty… Sounds like heaven to me!

Each day (or, at least as often as I can) I intend to write about my reading, thinking, listening, praying in this blog. I can't guarantee that it will be profound, or even interesting! But I did promise to blog and there are some people who are expressing interest in following me through this time.

I'm grateful that Pastor Alice is a part of the Chino UMC family and will be stepping in to preach and offer pastoral care in my absence. The church secretary, Glenda, is also stepping up her work to cover some things that I do. Others will be adding to their work load so that I can step away for a season. This is truly a blessing to me.

Second Thoughts

I am starting to get anxious about the sabbatical I am taking this summer. Primarily my anxiety stems from a fear that I will waste the opportunity and not reach my goals, or perhaps worse, that I will do all the stuff I am planning and come out of it not any more refreshed or renewed. I realize that this fear shows a lack of faith, since I tell my congregation often that the opposite of faith is fear! But I never claim to have the Christian life down pat, nor do I have all the answers. And I realize that the spiritual journey is not a "tip-toe through the tulips" kind of thing.

At the same time, I am having second thoughts about taking the sabbatical at all. To be honest, the two things are related, because I know in the past when I come "home" from a retreat that I FEEL closer to God… for a few days. But then I slip right back into my busy life and I lose that sense of closeness. So in a sense, I fear coming back from the sabbatical and people say they see no difference in me at all, or worse, I see no difference in myself. Better to not go, right? At least then I can fall back on my "exhaustion" as an excuse for my ineffectiveness as a pastor and my lack of spiritual depth as a person.

But don't worry! I am going to take the sabbatical, and I am going to try and strike a balance between work (reading, thinking, writing), play (fishing, baseball, golf, outings), and rest. And I truly hope that I will come out of it with a deeper commitment to Sabbath as a spiritual discipline.

What an awesome opportunity I am being given! In some respects I think "It's about time! I've been pouring myself out for 28+ years, so I DESERVE a sabbatical!" In other respects I know I DON'T deserve this and it is truly, in fact, a gift of grace (unmerited favor) both from my congregation and, ultimately, from God. Which only adds to my anxiety about wasting it! But I will boldly go into it with hope and trust and try to withhold evaluation until it is over, and even then to throw in a bucket-full of grace.

Carpe diem!

Politics is a poison for me

Politics is a poison for me.

When I get "into" political issues I easily fall "out of" grace; in other words, I lose track of the grace of God and become judgmental and narrow-minded. Of course I justify that by saying/thinking that I am "right" so it's ok! The problem is that I really don't like what happens to my spirit when I get into that mode.

What is it about politics? One of the two "no-no's" of polite discourse, I can discuss religion without getting "holier than thou," but not politics. Why is that? Hmmmmm… something to ponder.

I left the Democrat Party because I could no longer stomach the two-faced, hypocritical stances it took. I did not join the Republican Party because I observed its hypocrisy too. So I'm an independent; a conservative independent. And while I find myself aligning most frequently with the Republicans, I do not want to be boxed in by any particular political party. I fancy myself as one who's politics are determined by his relationship with Jesus. But that's a hard sell.

Especially to my more liberal friends; they think I'm a sell-out to Rush Limbaugh. They cannot imagine a follower of Jesus being against something as momandapplepieish as universal health insurance. But then, they couldn't understand why I was not hypnotized by Obama-charm. But to my more conservative friends, I'm too squeamish (not the "kill a commie for Christ" type).

I reserve the right to be considered wrong by both sides of the aisle.

And that's ok with me. But I need to watch myself, that I don't get too carried away by political poison. Christ didn't die for the world so that I could dismiss those with whom I disagree. Love is bigger than opinion. Eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil is a fundamental human predicament, and I've eaten more than my share.

At Valyermo

As I ponder my up-coming sabbatical (renewal leave) this summer, I'm struck by the elusiveness of a firm plan. While I have sketched some aspects of what I want to "do," there is so much in the way of vagueness that I cannot be sure that my plans are realistic, let alone realizable. My temptation, of course, is to plan too much; which is why I need this sabbatical in the first place!

My life tends to be busy, far too busy to be healthful. I fill up my days with stuff whether or not the stuff is useful or needful. I pour out myself exhaustively for the church, for people, for "God and Country", so much so that I have little energy left to simply "be" in the presence of God. And yet it is in the "being" that I am of any help or usefulness in the "doing" of ministry/life/vocation.

I fear that the three months will go by much too quickly, which they undoubtedly will. So I want to make the most of them. I can't wait for the sabbatical to begin, and yet I fear it will be over too soon and I will be no better off.

So, at least preliminarily, here is what I want to do during my sabbatical leave, June – August, 2010.

1. First, and foremost, rest, restore, renew, reconnect and refresh. To restore an intimate relationship with the Father/Son/Holy Spirit and to refresh my calling (vocation).
   
2. (Re)establish a discipline/rhythm of prayer, study, exercise, play and work.
   
   1. Prayer: practice prayerful living daily (at least one hour), monthly (at least one day), quarterly (at least one weekend), annually (at least one week).
      
   2. Study: engage an in-depth study through reading books, listening to sermons/lectures, attending some workshops/seminars. I want to focus on one major "spiritual" topic, one minor "spiritual" topic, and one "ordinary" topic (not related to ministry directly).
      
   3. Exercise: practice the physical discipline of walking, playing golf (which is walking and hitting a ball) and hiking (which is walking in a beautiful location!).
      
   4. Play: go fishing with family and friends, play golf, attend baseball games, play board games, develop a hobby (NOT on the computer, like out in the workshop).
      
   5. Work: Notice this is last. Not that it is least important, but it is the thing that I have focused on way too much. So I want to develop a healthy disciplined work ethic as a pastor.
      
3. I want to blog through my sabbatical, not to educate or inspire others, but to discipline myself to intentionally reflect on my journey and, thus, deepen it. If others find things to learn or be inspired, so be it! But if not, it isn't my purpose.
   

 

Further thoughts to come.