Sabbatical Day Three

Incognito Pastor

One of the things I enjoy about coming to St. Andrew's Abbey is that nobody knows me here. That may sound strange. But hear me out. They recognize me, to be sure. I am here a lot. But they don't know that I am a pastor. They know that I am not a Catholic (that is obvious by the way I stumble through the liturgy at Mass, and that I don't receive Communion), but they know little else. At one time, one of the monks was my spiritual director, so I suppose years ago the word got around that I was some spiritually-deprived Methodist preacher who came here to be filled up! But they don't know me now. And I like it that way.

Why? Because one of the hardest things about my "work" is that I am always "on"; I am always "The Pastor" whenever I am at church, or around church people, or even away from church people at civic functions. The mayor of Chino knows me so well he called me "Pastor Glen Hah-worth"! Being incognito allows me to be just me, and not to play any roles with people. When I am here, I seldom talk with anyone. Small talk is something I find difficult and distasteful, so when I don't HAVE to do it, I don't. Everyone here thinks I am on a "silent retreat" so they have learned not to engage me in conversation. That is a rare gift, since most people assume that if you are not talking, there is something "wrong" with you, so they will do whatever they can to get you to talk. I hate it! Just let me be! And that is why I am here, just to BE.

It refreshes me. It recharges me. I am an extreme introvert. Most people expect me to be an extravert, and so when I don't glad-hand, and chat it up, people get their feelings hurt. So I push myself. But unlike for an extravert who is charged-up by engaging other people, for the most part it drains me. Another reason for my sabbatical! If you are reading this, and you're a church member of mine, please hear me clearly: it isn't that I don't like you, or am mad at you. The reason I don't always greet you and engage you is that it is hard for me, and I need to preserve my energy. Don't take it personally!

Liturgy

I love the Benedictine liturgy, the daily offices, the chanting… all of it. It soothes my soul and draws me into God's heart. It is absolutely non-emotional, but the solemnity requires it. I love almost all forms of worship (I haven't gotten into the head-banging kind, yet). I love hymns and written prayers, I love praise songs and spontaneous prophesies (in tongues or in English), I love big church choirs (and small ones) and powerful worship bands. I love gentle homilies (if I can hear them), and awesome sermons preached with vim and vigor. I love the "smells and bells" as well as the "faints and yells"!

It is all liturgy.

I know. "High church" people don't like the praise choruses and informality and intimacy of the more "low church" style. Conversely, the "low church" worshippers don't like the formal liturgy of the "high church". But it is all liturgy. In one, the liturgy is written down and known by the congregation. In the other, the liturgy is memorized and known by the congregation. High church knows what's coming, and when. Low church knows what's coming, and when (after the third song (which is a really slow and worshipful song which was proceeded by a couple of up-beat praise songs), the worship leader prays for a bit as the band sneaks off the "stage" and the announcement lady comes up, ready to begin "The Welcome" right after the worship leader says, "I just pray this, Father, Lord, in Jesus' powerful name. AMEN!") It's all liturgy. And it's all good.

Christians need to get over their judgmentalism of other Christians and their forms of worship. Hear this: just because you don't "get it" or "it's not your style" doesn't mean that God is not pleased or honored. Get over yourself! Worship is not about you.

At the same time, I am aware that we need to adapt worship at times to draw new believers in. But we need to be careful not to bend so far over that we forget that worship is not about the new believers, either. It is always about God. What honors God? What pleases Him? That's what we should strive for in our worship.

So quite being so snobby, both of you!

 

Tomorrow is my last day here at St. Andrew's. (insert sad face) I am looking forward to what God does in me!

The path that leads to my afternoon reading place.

The other view from my afternoon reading place.

The view from my afternoon reading place.

Second Day Ruminations

Intimacy with God

There is a longing deep within that cries out of my heart. It manifests in many different ways, but at its root it is my spirit crying out to God's Spirit, yearning for intimacy with my Creator, my Father, my Abba. Sometimes I am gripped by a deep depression, but not one borne by chemistry; rather it is borne by the estrangement from God that my busy life often fosters. Funny. I'm a pastor. My "job" is to connect people with God. And yet in my own life, the busyness of pastoring often saps my own connection with God, my intimacy with Abba (my preferred Name for God-the-Father; it is akin to Daddy, but doesn't carry any negative images for me).

Right now I am re-reading and working through a book entitled Living in God's Embrace by Michael Fonseca. It is a devotional book that takes one through sixty different spiritual exercises, designed to help one live in God's embrace. It is helping me to discipline myself to sit in quietness, to "be still and know" Abba. My sense is that by practicing this stillness, I may discover anew that which cries out in me, and in discovery find a new intimacy with Abba. So be it.

Work

We all hate our jobs at one point or another, perhaps all the time. But work is blessed by God and each of us is called to work at something. We don't always get employment that matches our calling, but, hey, we try.

This is great! From the book, The Rest of God (p. 15f), by Mark Buchanan:

When you have one of those take-this-job-and-shove-it-days, try this. On your way home, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer. Made by the Q-tip Company. Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock the doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into something comfortable, such as a sweat suit, and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove it, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will be become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer. As you read, notice in small print this statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."

Close your eyes. Say out loud five times, "Thank you, oh thank you, that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company." (Source unknown)

I die laughing every time I read that! The obvious lesson is, no matter how bad your job seems, there are always worse ones! But each "job" we do is a vocation (literally, the work that the Voice told you to do) if it is done for the glory of God and in response to His call. Martin Luther put it well:

The maid who sweeps her kitchen is doing the will of God just as much as the monk who prays—not because she may sing a Christian hymn as she sweeps but because God loves clean floors. The Christian shoemaker does his Christian duty not by putting little crosses on the shoes, but by making good shoes, because God is interested in good craftsmanship." (The Rest of God, p. 23)

And this (ibid. p. 24f):

Virtually any job, no matter how grueling or tedious—any job that is not criminal or sinful—can be a gift from God, through God, and to God. The work of our hands, by the alchemy of our devotion, becomes the worship of our hearts.

Time

My reading this morning was wonderful! I sat by the pond and read three chapters from The Rest of God and it was, well, wonderful! I even wrote a poem, at the suggestion of the author, to help me notice my surroundings. Right now here in the high desert, one species of tree is spreading its seed far and wide. These cotton-like puffs of seed are all over the place, and more is floating down all the time. So I wrote:

Seeds cloaked in cotton wings
glide gently groundward
seeking a womb of soil
to birth a mighty tree.
Life and Time proceed.

Then, talking about Sabbath Time, Buchanan writes (p. 33):

Transformation is the fruit of a changed outlook. First our minds are renewed, and then we are transformed, and then everything is different, even if it stays the same. God is more interested in changing your thinking than in changing your circumstances.

In this sacred space, I am (re)learning how to keep Sabbath. I had forgotten. I had let Chronos become my preferred time, rather than God's kairos. Instead of Sabbath, I had cultured Leisure. "Leisure is what Sabbath becomes when we no longer know how to sanctify time. Leisure is Sabbath bereft of the sacred." (Buchanan, of course, p. 35).

And, finally (for now), in speaking of wisdom and the changing of our thoughts (or thinking), Buchanan writes (p. 40) "Wise people ask, Does the path I'm walking lead to a place I want to go? If I keep heading this way, will I like where I arrive?" Proverbs 14:8 says, "The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception." Aristotle said (or was it Socrates? College was a LONG time ago!), "A life not examined is a life not worth living." The lesson (for me) is that I can go through life blithely worshipping Chronos, or I can see my life through the eyes of Sabbath and appreciate the kairos that God is giving me. "The Chinese join two characters to form a single pictograph for busyness: heart and killing." (Wayne Muller, Sabbath: Restoring the Sacred Rhythm of Rest, p. 3, quoted in Buchanan p. 45) (Gosh, I sound like a research paper! But only because this is going out on a public blog, so I want to give credit where credit is due.)

This is such a rich time! I am so grateful for the gift that this sabbatical is to me, it is only the second day and already I am feeling renewed and refreshed. I'm not ready to come back, yet, so don't go there. I'm just thankful and I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me!

Over, out.

Mercy and Grace

Ok, so day one is almost over. It is after dinner and before Compline (night prayers), I want to get plenty of sleep, so I'll probably just read after Compline and go to bed. I have shut off my phone and will not be checking messages except for once in the evenings (like in a few minutes), so if you HAVE to get a hold of me, leave a message and I'll call you back.

I'm re-reading the book The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan, which is the book I read last year which really led me to seek a sabbatical. It is a terrific book, and I'm looking forward to re-reading it. I hope to finish it while I am here at St. Andrew's. In the book, he talks about the cats his parents had when he was growing up in a cold part of the world (he is Canadian), and how they would seek out those splashes of sunlight that came in late afternoon through the big front window. They would stretch out, curl up or just lie down in the sunlight and take a cat nap: fifteen or twenty minutes that refreshed and rejuvenated (although with cats, who can tell?). Sometimes, as a boy, he would join the cats on the floor. He likens Sabbath to that: finding a space to just soak up the warmth of the Father's mercy and grace (which is the name of our cat, Maggie, which Terisa, a dear friend, suggested—Mercy And Grace, thus MAGgie. We also call her MagnifiCat, but that is another story).

This sabbatical is more than a cat nap, but then I've not been practicing Sabbath very well throughout my life. My hope is that one result of the sabbatical will be more success in keeping Sabbath. Anyway, it's a GREAT book!

May the Lord fill you with Mercy and Grace!

Sabbatical: Day One

The first day of my sabbatical leave is finally here! It is rather surreal. I have longed for this and planned for this for what seems like a very long time. What appeared at first to be a mountain of things that had to happen/get done, is now just a memory. Everything is finished, I hope; all "i's" dotted, all "t's" crossed. And those that aren't dotted or crossed will just have to survive three months without me! Que sera sera.

I didn't hurry this morning getting ready for my trip to Valyermo and the Benedictine monastery, so of course I did not get here when I had hoped to. Instead, since I knew I would be missing not only the noon Mass, but also the lunch, I stopped along the way at a Mexican restaurant I had noticed several times. It was good. But I'm glad to be here at St. Andrew's now. I plan to go easy on myself, especially in the early going and not push too hard. Consequently, I am feeling rather lethargic.

My goal during this four-day retreat is to quiet my soul and listen. This afternoon when I first got here I went and sat by the pond and read some Scripture and then just listened to the sounds. The wind was blowing through the trees, the birds were singing, there was an airplane that flew over… it was blissful! Then I went and took a nap. I want to enter into the rhythm of this monastery, attending to the daily offices (services), the meals and perhaps connect with a brother or priest about being my spiritual director. I used to have one here, but moved on from that practice some years ago. I'm thinking that it might be time to return. But I will listen and discern. I also want to walk, and read devotionally. I'll get into the study books later.

One of the things that extended my preparation time this morning was shaving off my hair. Now, I don't have much hair to begin with, but I decided that I wanted to shave it all off (mustache, goatee, and scalp—I left my eye brows!) as a symbol of my letting go and starting over. I don't know if I'll grow it back right away or if I will continue to keep it shaved, but I'm open to either. Cyndy isn't crazy about me doing it, and Nathan was freaked out when he saw me this morning. I don't think I'll post any pictures; at least not yet. In the process I irritated the skin on my head, so right now I have a damp wash cloth on my head to sooth the irritation!

My intention is to blog daily, but I'm not going to be a blogger-nazi, so if I miss a day here or there, no worries! There may be days when I post more than once, it all depends on what God is doing in me and if I am paying attention. This blog is not for the sake of teaching others—that is one of the things from which I need to rest! Rather, it is a form of self-discipline so that I will take the time to reflect on what God is doing in me. I'll post a note on Twitter (and thus Facebook and LinkedIn) when I post a new blog (and people can also subscribe to the blog to get alerts when new ones are posted). I invite comments, but be nice!